Have you ever had something special that always reminded you of a cherished time or memory?
Was there anything at any point in your life that made a memory that you can't ever forget?
The other day i was looking routinely at my hands. I noticed the slightly off skin colored stripe, about a half-inch long, just to the left of my first knuckle, on my left hand. I have had this subtle, but mentally vividly reminding, scar for what's coming close to a year now. As i studied it, and thought for a moment, my first thought was how the Lord saw fit to spare my life. I am so grateful that i seemed important enough, in my own unrighteousness, to have my life spared. I put myself, knowingly mind you, in a very dangerous situation. And yet, here i am, typing this blog. This was during a portion of my life that i payed very little attention to my religious standards. I didn't live up to my duties like i should have. I pretty much was leading a selfish, undirected, stiffnecked, unforgiving, disrespecting, harsh speaking, irreverent, displeasing, and dishonoring life. The worst part is: I KNEW IT. I just cared more about number 1, (myself) and taking the easy way out to everything. I was just living out my college life, having "the time of my life."
Well the truth was, i was just covering up the way i truly felt. I knew i was miserable, i knew i wasn't enjoying my choices, i knew i was supposed to be acting differently, i knew i wasn't doing what i should be. But, it was easier to just say i was having fun, and everything was going to be fine, than to face the music of my actions. Well, that fateful night i decided (against my parents wishes) to attend a Halloween dance, this was no small dance, and by no means a dance of standards. I had been awake for over 24 hours at this point when i decided to finally head home at 3 AM. I took my friend Jeremiah home first. Orem to Riverton, i was fine, kinda drowsy. When i was at Jeremiahs house, i knew i would have trouble getting home. I was so exhausted. But i kept telling myself that i could make it because i was so close to home already. I am not so sure that these thoughts were my own, now looking back, but who knows. I decided to go ahead and leave anyway. well i dowsed off a few times. eventually i woke up to bumps. When i realized that i was off the road, i jerked the wheel to right violently. I was going 65 miles and hour, down hill. Well jerking the wheel was just about the worst thing i could have done. The result: flipping my car end for end 6 times, and jumping a 10 foot fence landing upside down. Immediately, after what felt like an hour of being violently shaken and battered, i did a broken bone check made sure everything worked before i tried to get out. I was hanging upside down in my seat belt. I pushed all of my body weight up with my left arm, while i freed myself from my seat belt. (which saved my life by the way) after a few moments of disbelief i realized i just destroyed my car, and i was injured.
In comparison to the severity of my accident, i was virtually uninjured. I had a few cuts, some tender bruises, and few stitches. My eye was pretty swollen for a week or so, but overall a very small price to pay for the accident i was in. Only God's divine intervention could have left me in such and amazingly ok condition. The paramedics wouldn't belief me when i answered their questions about where i was hurting and how little or no pain there was.
God has a mission for me. I knew that this was another gentle pat on the back of my head in right direction, my Father sure has a work for me. This was my call to wake up, or literally Break up. Now i knew i had a mission, i just had to find out what it was. I have to seek it out, i need to find myself in a world thats trying to tell me who i am and that i have no choice but to listen to the them. Well i say this to you world! NO! You will not have me. I will not let you win. I will fight you, i will conquer you, i will not heed your will, i will not let you take me! not at any cost! I pray that God will guide me, as i near myself unto him by following his commandments that are designed to bring me more happiness than anything in the entire world can offer me. It was genuinely difficult to see the truth of this, while i was in bondage to the Games, Movies, Music, and other things that i allowed to take control of my life and tell me what and who i was.
After my accident i started feeling off, after i would watch a movie, or play a computer game, or do anything, that i felt was wasting my time. I just felt like i could have spent my time doing something more constructive and satisfying. I didn't take action and fix this problem in my life as fast as i should have, but late is better than never. When i finally got around to cleaning some of these silly things out of my life, God decided to test me, and see if i really would stand up to my word. I ended up being lazy-boy recliner ridden for over 2 months with no ability to walk. What was i to do? watch movies? play computer games? i sure could have, and man it was so tempting at times, and i came so close to breaking my word. I had to fill the gap. You can't just take something off a boat that has been balancing it and keeping it floating without putting something else in it's place. I endeavored to read scripture or uplifting and gospel teaching books. I limited myself to gospel oriented, and teaching movies as well. No computer games whatsoever, and only hymn type and uplifting music. I read, and learned more about the gospel than almost the whole of my life previous to that point. In just 2 months, i grew and learned so much, and my testimony when from a seedling to strong and mighty young tree. Growing every day, i pray to have a testimony of an ancient and immovable tree. A testimony no man, no nothing can remove from it's place.
As i looked over all the new scars i have acquired, i realized how many i have received a very short period of time. That's what started my ever unique thought processes that inspired this writing. In the last short period of time, i have learned and gained so much. I have put upon myself new bookmarks in my life. New tokens of remembrance that i will have for the rest of my life. I pray they will always remind me of the Lord's mercy and love for me. I have also 3 new scars on my knee from my surgery that was nothing short of a miracle. Once again, in the last little while the Lord showed me his love for me. I am starting to wake up to the reality of the depth of our Heavenly Fathers' love for all of his children, he is bursting at the seems to poor his blessings out to us, and have us feel his unending and incomprehensible love for each one of us.
Jesus Christ also took upon himself tokens, as symbols of ultimate love for us. I am in no way shape or form comparing myself on any level to our dear and merciful Saviour, but i thought i would mention a likeness. He allowed his temple to be maimed, beaten, bruised, and ultimately destroyed that he might pay the price of endless judgment on our heads. I want to publicly
thank him for that sacrifice on my behalf.
I want all of you readers, whoever you may be, to look back and think about all the times that the Lord has provided for you, when you thought it impossible, yet it happened. Please reflect on everything that has been provided for you, out of grace and love. The air the we breathe, the food we eat, the shoes we wear, the toilet paper we have, the couches we sit on, I want you to be grateful for everything that you have and have been given! I hope that i can emulate the great and endless love i feel towards you in a pleasing manner! If i offend you in anyway, because believe it or not i'm not perfect! please make me aware, and i will make it right the best that i can.
In closing this piece, i want you to look back, and ponder your own personal tokens. Look and see what you have that reminds you of the Lords mercy and love for you. Find something that helps you to want to do better, and live an exemplary life, and live up to the standards that you know you should! don't be stupid like me and wait until Heavenly Father has to step in and show you the hard way, when His way is always available.
Mosiah 14:5
...he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
I love you all, thank you for giving my writings your valuable time. I hope that you feel your time was not wasting in reading this piece.
Your servant and loving friend,
Craig
Monday, August 16, 2010
Monday, August 9, 2010
Glass...
Hey everyone! as a fore word i would just like to say thank you for reading my first Public blog. I am most certainly not new to blogging or writing, until now i have not allowed the general public to ever read my work. This is because my writing is very personal to me, and usually deals with topics that are very close and tender to my heart. Up until this point, i haven't wanted the "world" to know how i truly felt about life and the ways things are according to me. I was partially embarrassed of my feelings and the way I expressed myself within them. With that- I invite you to enjoy of my thoughts, expressions, writings and feelings. I hope you will enjoy how i express myself and the method and style that i write.
Craig.
------
Have you ever felt that there was a barrier between where you want to go and where you are?
Have you ever been trapped by an unseen wall? kind of like a glass ceiling?
Yesterday I attended Elders meeting. A dear friend of mine made a comment in class that stuck to my brain. As i learned, and felt the spirit of the class, and ate of the teachings offered to me. I kept finding myself pondering the concept that he had brought out in the class. I don't think he had any intention of sparking anyone to mind delving thought and serious contemplation by his comment. I was deffinitely one, if the only, person that really pondered the truth of what he said. I will sometime after this, maybe he will even read it before i see him next, tell him of the thought processes that struck me and grew because of him.
I work at a commonly known gas station. I don't really don't think it's what most would call a "fulfilling" job. At one point i was contemplating the possibility of forgetting college and just working up the business chain of Maverik. I was confident in my own abilities to truly consider this an option. I later realized this wasn't my desire at all. When i truly realized and thought about my options and chances of getting where i thought i could in the company, i realized the chances were slim to none. And that if i didn't make what i was aiming for, i would be stuck in a high stress job with no hope of ever growing from that position.
The comment was made by dear friend that last Elders meeting, that: " when i am out working in and for the world there is always a glass ceiling, there is a limit of where i can go, and how high i can climb. But when i am working and building up the kingdom of God there is always another step up, Another level to attain, more to learn, more to gain for all eternity". This planted a mighty seed, This started a mighty blaze, this churned inside me from the moment that i heard it. I had to think about it, ponder it and wrap myself around it the best i could. I felt the truth in it seeping out at ever angle and it was delicious to me. I had to write about this one, I couldn't just let my feelings dwell inside me i had to share this with the whole world i live in! Well, at least everyone that reads it! Lucky you Mr. or Ms. Reader ;)
Starting with myself, Looking back at all the things i have worked for. The things i have selfishly desired and worked for merely to please my own demands. At the time they seemed great. I didn't always get what i worked for, but a lot of times i did. When i had finally gotten these things i have worked so hard to have, they felt... somewhat less satisfying than i was expecting. At the time, during these moments, i never stepped back and realized what this feeling of dissatisfaction and near disappointment was yelling in my face. But nevertheless, i kept on pursuing my own selfish desires, without any thought of my neighbor, or even my family at times. I have a tendency to be a very selfish person. At this point in my travel through life, i didn't recognize how selfish, uncaring, and cold i was being to the whole world around me. As i was saying, this message of dissatisfaction, was from the Spirit of God, i believe, ever trying to help me see reality beyond my petty desires. There was a small time that i seemed to be getting everything that i was going for. Things were good, i was getting my way, and everything was all happy-go-lucky right? Wrong. I started noticing a hole inside myself. Here i had almost everything i wanted and yet.. i felt near empty in a lot of places.
With the help of Almighty God, in His endless mercy, my eyes were opened to reality. I had been staring through this glass ceiling. My nose had finally smashed into this invisible wall in my path to "happiness". I had been looking up to the things of the world seeing how they could never stop going up, friends, parties, student government, dances, college life, girls, man, it was all there and mine for the taking. Nothing was going to get in my way. All the while, i was looking up through this unspoken glass ceiling. Eventually God allowed me to realize i was hitting this ceiling. At first, like usual, i fought against it. I didn't like that i had hit some sort of barrier. I didn't like that fact that i all of the sudden had to pay the price of my aspirations. After much trial and tribulation, i started realizing my current state. I knew so much of Gods teachings and his ways, yet i put myself first. I wanted to do, and be what i wanted. Gods ways weren't as "fun" or "satisfying". Good one satan, i believed you for a time. It is understatement, to say that this is an understatement to say trials and tribulations. We are talking 13 years of climbing the wrong set of stairs. Maybe sometime i'll write about the more challenging, yet stronger growing and learning experiences that have tried me down to my very core.
After a few very difficult and trying experiences the Lord allowed (even though i brought it onto myself) me to experience, i realized what i have been doing. I peeled my now flat nose of the "ceiling" and looked behind me. Looking onto my accomplishments, looking onto the steps i've been climbing all this time. It was just a little bit humiliating to see how very little i had actually traveled. Come to find out that i hadn't been climbing at all. I was still just standing there where i had been the whole time. The climbing i thought i had made was my head was just tilted back and i was staring up at the glass ceiling that was just above my head. My friends comment in Elders class helped me to see (after the fact that i had turned my life around) that we as people cannot progress at all unless we are looking the right direction. If we (craig included) cannot look in the right direction, are we moving at all? well technically yes, we are, because if we are not moving towards God we are moving away from him. But for this analogy that i am using, the answer is no.
After rubbing my neck a little bit, and unscrunching my nose, i looked just ahead me. And boy, what a discovery did i make. i was actually already on a stair way, but not like the one i had seen before. I wanted to just serve myself, and go straight to the top and get those rewards, without the work, without taking the steps that are necessary to get them. When i took a better look around, i saw what was at the top of the stairs. It was my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. His hand outstretched towards me. Beckoning me to climb to him, urging me to follow in his footsteps. It would seem obvious that i would instantly begin to run with all my might to get to him, right? Well, i didn't run instantly i took a look around to see all my options. I was placed in a postion on the stairwell, not alone, but above the majority of my brothers. By this, i mean, i was placed in a position to have so much more of the truth than most of my brothers here on the earth. There were many that started out so much farther from him, Our Saviour. But here i was, not progressing, not working my way any closer to Him. I felt pretty shameful because of this. I noticed that there was for the whole of the stairs, a glass ceiling above it. Filled with visions of glory, fame, wealth, recognition, power, fortune, pride, possessions, fine clothing, cars, all manner of carnal desires, and several other things of this world. Some were drawn to certain things, some were partial to others. It seemed as if everyone had certain things that seemed almost more pleasing than our Saviour. Here i was, just like everyone below my level just staring up into this barrier of imaginations of the world and babylon.
After my eyes were graciously opened through experience and trials, i knew what i must do. I must get to my Saviour at all costs. I have no time to waste on looking up anymore. I have been taught, and known all my life that Jesus could offer me so much more than any vain ambition of the world could ever get me. I made up my strong mind that i would from this point on, keep my eyes on the Saviour, and work towards him. i mourn for the time i spent with my nose stuck to that ceiling staring, wishing, working, and wasting my precious time here in this mortal stairwell, on these worthless things that i see through the glass. How much farther could i be up this stairwell now open to my eyes. But there isn't much time to waste mourning, it's time to move on. Jesus Christ gave his very life for me. So that i might be given a chance to earn my exaltation and be with him again. That i might, if i overcome my visions through the glass, become a joint heir with Him in our Eternal Fathers Kingdom. This desire became my true desire. This was my calling, this was my duty, this was my life, and like a train, it all hit me instantly. I was told directly through His patriarch, in a blessing, that i was forgiven of my most fierce and challenging sin. This i had previously thought impossible. But this was strength i needed to get back to climbing up these stairs to my Lord.
When i had reached the place where i thought i saw Jesus standing and calling me, He was not there. He was yet further up the stairs that i had not previously seen. I was not discouraged by this, but i stopped to think for a moment. With a little more investigation i saw that this journey was not one that ended. That i must always be working towards my Saviour, and reaching up to him. He opened the doorway that i, and all who are worthy and never stop climbing, might climb these holy steps to him, and be with him again in celestial glory. He is watching, He is waiting to see, He is calling to all those will look down from the glass ceiling, He desires for each one of us to find him. But he cannot pull us away by force. He will not force you to stop following after the vain things of babylon, He will also, never stop calling us from out of babylon either. His spirit whispers in our ears, while we are stuck with our noses on the glass, to come to him, to act as we know, and use the strength we have been given to find him.
I want to follow my Saviour with all my heart. While i feel my heart is on the right climb now, still working up the stairs, I still have to climb the steps as they get harder, taller, narrower, easier to fall off. Every step i do climb, i get a little better at climbing, i gain a little more confidence that i can make this next big step. Eventually i pray to be able to climb the steps of my Lord Jesus Christ with full and unaltered confidence that i can, through His sacrifice, be found worthy of living with my Father and my Saviour again in the Celestial Kingdom. As i climb and overcome each step one by one, i long to have all my loved ones with me side by side, to strengthen me on my journey. And maybe through my experience help others with steps that i have already conquered and they help me with ones i am still climbing.
I want to thank my dear friend for making this comment in meeting yesterday morning. It provided a way for me to analogically explain the last 2 years, and few months specifically, in a way that is much shorter and to the point. Even this is a just a tid bit of the inspirations The Spirit opened to my heart. I want to bear testimony to you (the reader) that this would have been impossible to write, and explain without the help of His guiding spirit. I would also like to bear testimony to you that i know our redeemer lives. And that he died for you, in your sins, that you might repent and be forgiven. That you may be made spotless again, as a child, before the Lord your God at that last day of judgment. If forgiveness can be found for a sinner like me, i know without a shadow of a doubt that it can be found for you as well.
Know that i love you, whoever you may be, with all my heart.
Craig.
Craig.
------
Have you ever felt that there was a barrier between where you want to go and where you are?
Have you ever been trapped by an unseen wall? kind of like a glass ceiling?
Yesterday I attended Elders meeting. A dear friend of mine made a comment in class that stuck to my brain. As i learned, and felt the spirit of the class, and ate of the teachings offered to me. I kept finding myself pondering the concept that he had brought out in the class. I don't think he had any intention of sparking anyone to mind delving thought and serious contemplation by his comment. I was deffinitely one, if the only, person that really pondered the truth of what he said. I will sometime after this, maybe he will even read it before i see him next, tell him of the thought processes that struck me and grew because of him.
I work at a commonly known gas station. I don't really don't think it's what most would call a "fulfilling" job. At one point i was contemplating the possibility of forgetting college and just working up the business chain of Maverik. I was confident in my own abilities to truly consider this an option. I later realized this wasn't my desire at all. When i truly realized and thought about my options and chances of getting where i thought i could in the company, i realized the chances were slim to none. And that if i didn't make what i was aiming for, i would be stuck in a high stress job with no hope of ever growing from that position.
The comment was made by dear friend that last Elders meeting, that: " when i am out working in and for the world there is always a glass ceiling, there is a limit of where i can go, and how high i can climb. But when i am working and building up the kingdom of God there is always another step up, Another level to attain, more to learn, more to gain for all eternity". This planted a mighty seed, This started a mighty blaze, this churned inside me from the moment that i heard it. I had to think about it, ponder it and wrap myself around it the best i could. I felt the truth in it seeping out at ever angle and it was delicious to me. I had to write about this one, I couldn't just let my feelings dwell inside me i had to share this with the whole world i live in! Well, at least everyone that reads it! Lucky you Mr. or Ms. Reader ;)
Starting with myself, Looking back at all the things i have worked for. The things i have selfishly desired and worked for merely to please my own demands. At the time they seemed great. I didn't always get what i worked for, but a lot of times i did. When i had finally gotten these things i have worked so hard to have, they felt... somewhat less satisfying than i was expecting. At the time, during these moments, i never stepped back and realized what this feeling of dissatisfaction and near disappointment was yelling in my face. But nevertheless, i kept on pursuing my own selfish desires, without any thought of my neighbor, or even my family at times. I have a tendency to be a very selfish person. At this point in my travel through life, i didn't recognize how selfish, uncaring, and cold i was being to the whole world around me. As i was saying, this message of dissatisfaction, was from the Spirit of God, i believe, ever trying to help me see reality beyond my petty desires. There was a small time that i seemed to be getting everything that i was going for. Things were good, i was getting my way, and everything was all happy-go-lucky right? Wrong. I started noticing a hole inside myself. Here i had almost everything i wanted and yet.. i felt near empty in a lot of places.
With the help of Almighty God, in His endless mercy, my eyes were opened to reality. I had been staring through this glass ceiling. My nose had finally smashed into this invisible wall in my path to "happiness". I had been looking up to the things of the world seeing how they could never stop going up, friends, parties, student government, dances, college life, girls, man, it was all there and mine for the taking. Nothing was going to get in my way. All the while, i was looking up through this unspoken glass ceiling. Eventually God allowed me to realize i was hitting this ceiling. At first, like usual, i fought against it. I didn't like that i had hit some sort of barrier. I didn't like that fact that i all of the sudden had to pay the price of my aspirations. After much trial and tribulation, i started realizing my current state. I knew so much of Gods teachings and his ways, yet i put myself first. I wanted to do, and be what i wanted. Gods ways weren't as "fun" or "satisfying". Good one satan, i believed you for a time. It is understatement, to say that this is an understatement to say trials and tribulations. We are talking 13 years of climbing the wrong set of stairs. Maybe sometime i'll write about the more challenging, yet stronger growing and learning experiences that have tried me down to my very core.
After a few very difficult and trying experiences the Lord allowed (even though i brought it onto myself) me to experience, i realized what i have been doing. I peeled my now flat nose of the "ceiling" and looked behind me. Looking onto my accomplishments, looking onto the steps i've been climbing all this time. It was just a little bit humiliating to see how very little i had actually traveled. Come to find out that i hadn't been climbing at all. I was still just standing there where i had been the whole time. The climbing i thought i had made was my head was just tilted back and i was staring up at the glass ceiling that was just above my head. My friends comment in Elders class helped me to see (after the fact that i had turned my life around) that we as people cannot progress at all unless we are looking the right direction. If we (craig included) cannot look in the right direction, are we moving at all? well technically yes, we are, because if we are not moving towards God we are moving away from him. But for this analogy that i am using, the answer is no.
After rubbing my neck a little bit, and unscrunching my nose, i looked just ahead me. And boy, what a discovery did i make. i was actually already on a stair way, but not like the one i had seen before. I wanted to just serve myself, and go straight to the top and get those rewards, without the work, without taking the steps that are necessary to get them. When i took a better look around, i saw what was at the top of the stairs. It was my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. His hand outstretched towards me. Beckoning me to climb to him, urging me to follow in his footsteps. It would seem obvious that i would instantly begin to run with all my might to get to him, right? Well, i didn't run instantly i took a look around to see all my options. I was placed in a postion on the stairwell, not alone, but above the majority of my brothers. By this, i mean, i was placed in a position to have so much more of the truth than most of my brothers here on the earth. There were many that started out so much farther from him, Our Saviour. But here i was, not progressing, not working my way any closer to Him. I felt pretty shameful because of this. I noticed that there was for the whole of the stairs, a glass ceiling above it. Filled with visions of glory, fame, wealth, recognition, power, fortune, pride, possessions, fine clothing, cars, all manner of carnal desires, and several other things of this world. Some were drawn to certain things, some were partial to others. It seemed as if everyone had certain things that seemed almost more pleasing than our Saviour. Here i was, just like everyone below my level just staring up into this barrier of imaginations of the world and babylon.
After my eyes were graciously opened through experience and trials, i knew what i must do. I must get to my Saviour at all costs. I have no time to waste on looking up anymore. I have been taught, and known all my life that Jesus could offer me so much more than any vain ambition of the world could ever get me. I made up my strong mind that i would from this point on, keep my eyes on the Saviour, and work towards him. i mourn for the time i spent with my nose stuck to that ceiling staring, wishing, working, and wasting my precious time here in this mortal stairwell, on these worthless things that i see through the glass. How much farther could i be up this stairwell now open to my eyes. But there isn't much time to waste mourning, it's time to move on. Jesus Christ gave his very life for me. So that i might be given a chance to earn my exaltation and be with him again. That i might, if i overcome my visions through the glass, become a joint heir with Him in our Eternal Fathers Kingdom. This desire became my true desire. This was my calling, this was my duty, this was my life, and like a train, it all hit me instantly. I was told directly through His patriarch, in a blessing, that i was forgiven of my most fierce and challenging sin. This i had previously thought impossible. But this was strength i needed to get back to climbing up these stairs to my Lord.
When i had reached the place where i thought i saw Jesus standing and calling me, He was not there. He was yet further up the stairs that i had not previously seen. I was not discouraged by this, but i stopped to think for a moment. With a little more investigation i saw that this journey was not one that ended. That i must always be working towards my Saviour, and reaching up to him. He opened the doorway that i, and all who are worthy and never stop climbing, might climb these holy steps to him, and be with him again in celestial glory. He is watching, He is waiting to see, He is calling to all those will look down from the glass ceiling, He desires for each one of us to find him. But he cannot pull us away by force. He will not force you to stop following after the vain things of babylon, He will also, never stop calling us from out of babylon either. His spirit whispers in our ears, while we are stuck with our noses on the glass, to come to him, to act as we know, and use the strength we have been given to find him.
I want to follow my Saviour with all my heart. While i feel my heart is on the right climb now, still working up the stairs, I still have to climb the steps as they get harder, taller, narrower, easier to fall off. Every step i do climb, i get a little better at climbing, i gain a little more confidence that i can make this next big step. Eventually i pray to be able to climb the steps of my Lord Jesus Christ with full and unaltered confidence that i can, through His sacrifice, be found worthy of living with my Father and my Saviour again in the Celestial Kingdom. As i climb and overcome each step one by one, i long to have all my loved ones with me side by side, to strengthen me on my journey. And maybe through my experience help others with steps that i have already conquered and they help me with ones i am still climbing.
I want to thank my dear friend for making this comment in meeting yesterday morning. It provided a way for me to analogically explain the last 2 years, and few months specifically, in a way that is much shorter and to the point. Even this is a just a tid bit of the inspirations The Spirit opened to my heart. I want to bear testimony to you (the reader) that this would have been impossible to write, and explain without the help of His guiding spirit. I would also like to bear testimony to you that i know our redeemer lives. And that he died for you, in your sins, that you might repent and be forgiven. That you may be made spotless again, as a child, before the Lord your God at that last day of judgment. If forgiveness can be found for a sinner like me, i know without a shadow of a doubt that it can be found for you as well.
Know that i love you, whoever you may be, with all my heart.
Craig.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Indifferent
Have you ever known things are ok even when they are not?
Have you ever had a near unbearable situation not bother you?
I feel so very hard pressed right now. I feel like the only thing i have going for me is the fact that im still breathing. While at the same time i know i have so much more than so many people in the world today and i need to be grateful for all of that. The feeling that comes from not being able to accomplish a lot has been beating me down lately. My physical, meaningless really, possessions are becoming slim as of late. Making a lot of my responsibilities much harder to accomplish. With the help of my family i have been able to accomplish them. I have felt a closer bond forming with my father and brothers who have helped me more than they know.
I have always felt an alien connection with my father. Someone who hasn't had a step father can't understand this. But imagine for a second not having your father. What it would be like to just have a mother. I am not discrediting my father in anyway, don't misunderstand me. It wasn't my father it was me. Because of being naive as a child and the events that took place, i felt he was always just a police officer to keep me in line, and that's it. I understood that I didn't really have a fatherly connection. I have always been a "mommas" boy. Being raised as an only child for nearly 9 years, i established that connection with my mother very strongly. But i didn't really grow into that with my father. Several things happened in my new family. I didn't understand the emotions i felt, i didn't understand the situation i was in, i didn't understand what my mother was doing, I didn't understand my family, i didn't understand myself, i was only a child. After all that happened i didn't want him to be my father. He never would be and no one could force me to love him. I loved my mother and in turn would do whatever it took to be with her even if it mean listening to him and doing what he asked me too. But i didn't like it. As the years rolled on i grew more tolerant of him, more callous to my feelings towards him. I didn't like when he was home, i didn't like spending time with him, i just didn't like my situation.
I Think i need to step back a little and explain something that i have never been able to let go of fully. When i first joined the family things were ok. Some time went by and eventually i started catching the blame for things i didn't do. It started happening so frequently, i had to start lying and saying that i did do what i was accused of to avoid the greater punishment that i was going to receive anyway. Going so far as to give reason for my wrong doing. This developed a bitterness within me. In writing this i have realized that this may account for some unforgiving traits of my personality. I didn't like my family, in fact i hated it. i wanted nothing of it, and i didn't like them at all. I just couldn't understand why everyone said that i did all these things time and time again. My father wouldn't believe me when i said i didn't do it. Why didn't he believe me? what did i do to merit his disbelief? These are the questions that i asked myself as a child to which i had no answer. the only answer i ever found was anger, and hatred. My mother always sided with the accusers, she wouldn't back me up most the time, and if she did she came under fire as well. After that she started realizing what i was going through and backed me up from then on. Another reason we are so close. I have had a very contrast upbringing, when compared to most of my social groups. I come from a very mixed and colorful background. I am very different than most people. So much so somtimes i can't stand myself. But with all that i have been through, and learned how can i not be?
God has put me through all of my trials to teach me, to mold me, to humble me, to help me, to lead me through my life and be a strong person for those around me. I need to move on from my past. I have grown and learned so much in last two years, nearly comparable to when i was learning to walk and talk. My whole aspect on life has changed. This is in part by being out of adolescence, but also because of my upbringing. I was not raised to be a carefree person, i understand the importance and necessity of responsibility and hard work. I don't get anything i don't earn. This last 2 years has been like a 180 degree turn around for me. i have found my religion. I believe in it strongly. I am proud of it, and not ashamed as i have felt so much before now. this is something huge for me. I was convinced that i was of no value to anyone, and most of all valueless to God. Oh how i was mistaken. The misleadings of the adversary are so strong. It's so easy to just accept the cruel and dishonest whisperings of the adversary. But in reality, even when it doesn't seem like it, it is just as easy to accept and listen to the spirit of God if we are willing to listen, and are in a position to listen. I haven't previously made a huge effort to be in a position where i can clearly hear what the spirit has to say to me. I was to busy listening to the wrong voice telling me that i wasn't even qualified to hear the right voice. i was wrong, rather mislead. Maturing in my religion, and my mental mindset this is no longer the case. Once i accepted that all those lies were just that, lies, i no longer fell prey to the viscous feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness. No longer do i feel that God doesn't want me or has no use for me. That thought is just ridiculous and now has no place in my thinking or being. God has so much in store for me if i will prepare for it. I truly want to be a tool in his hands. while erring often, i still try, i still have hope and faith.
For the first time in my life i have made the decision to talk to my father about how i have felt about him my entire life. I am a little scared of it because it has been quite a soft spot my entire life. the last few months i have become much closer to him than ever before. We are forming a relationship that i thought would never exist between us. I owe it to him to forgive him. He was learning, just like me. I am just barely starting to learn myself. He couldn't understand my position nor I his. life if a journey of learning. As i have learned, so has he. I am grateful for everything he has done for me over my entire life. He has been so generous with me in so many ways, and i have been to hardened over the years to see how much. As a parent i have seen him make so much improvement, and become a father who tries his hardest to teach his children with his love for them which runs deep. He's an amazing father, while we all had some learning and growing over the years, i know he loves me like i am one of his own flesh and blood. For the first time ever, i feel like i am his flesh and blood, and in a way i am. I love him. I do have a father, i always have. I just couldn't see it past my pain, anger, and confusion.
In elders class this last sunday a few things were brought up that really stuck out to me. One of the biggest ones was about love and forgiveness of those around us. To be able to love someone so much that what they have done has no bearing on your feelings for them. We all make mistakes, that's just how it is. Knowing this i still have made it my prerogative to judge people right off. Well come to find out i have screwed up too and i have no right to be doing what i've been doing to people. I hate it when i get classified, mistreated, judged and yet that's the exact thing that i have been doing to those around me. Those who i love so much and care for, i alienate. I have in part developed this because of my past. But it's time to correct this, and correct my way of being with people. It will be hard, and uncomfortable at times, but i can do anything i want and this is something that i want. I only pray that people can forgive me better i have them...
God loves me, God loves you. See it in all things, and love him with all your being.
Sincerely,
Craig
Have you ever had a near unbearable situation not bother you?
I feel so very hard pressed right now. I feel like the only thing i have going for me is the fact that im still breathing. While at the same time i know i have so much more than so many people in the world today and i need to be grateful for all of that. The feeling that comes from not being able to accomplish a lot has been beating me down lately. My physical, meaningless really, possessions are becoming slim as of late. Making a lot of my responsibilities much harder to accomplish. With the help of my family i have been able to accomplish them. I have felt a closer bond forming with my father and brothers who have helped me more than they know.
I have always felt an alien connection with my father. Someone who hasn't had a step father can't understand this. But imagine for a second not having your father. What it would be like to just have a mother. I am not discrediting my father in anyway, don't misunderstand me. It wasn't my father it was me. Because of being naive as a child and the events that took place, i felt he was always just a police officer to keep me in line, and that's it. I understood that I didn't really have a fatherly connection. I have always been a "mommas" boy. Being raised as an only child for nearly 9 years, i established that connection with my mother very strongly. But i didn't really grow into that with my father. Several things happened in my new family. I didn't understand the emotions i felt, i didn't understand the situation i was in, i didn't understand what my mother was doing, I didn't understand my family, i didn't understand myself, i was only a child. After all that happened i didn't want him to be my father. He never would be and no one could force me to love him. I loved my mother and in turn would do whatever it took to be with her even if it mean listening to him and doing what he asked me too. But i didn't like it. As the years rolled on i grew more tolerant of him, more callous to my feelings towards him. I didn't like when he was home, i didn't like spending time with him, i just didn't like my situation.
I Think i need to step back a little and explain something that i have never been able to let go of fully. When i first joined the family things were ok. Some time went by and eventually i started catching the blame for things i didn't do. It started happening so frequently, i had to start lying and saying that i did do what i was accused of to avoid the greater punishment that i was going to receive anyway. Going so far as to give reason for my wrong doing. This developed a bitterness within me. In writing this i have realized that this may account for some unforgiving traits of my personality. I didn't like my family, in fact i hated it. i wanted nothing of it, and i didn't like them at all. I just couldn't understand why everyone said that i did all these things time and time again. My father wouldn't believe me when i said i didn't do it. Why didn't he believe me? what did i do to merit his disbelief? These are the questions that i asked myself as a child to which i had no answer. the only answer i ever found was anger, and hatred. My mother always sided with the accusers, she wouldn't back me up most the time, and if she did she came under fire as well. After that she started realizing what i was going through and backed me up from then on. Another reason we are so close. I have had a very contrast upbringing, when compared to most of my social groups. I come from a very mixed and colorful background. I am very different than most people. So much so somtimes i can't stand myself. But with all that i have been through, and learned how can i not be?
God has put me through all of my trials to teach me, to mold me, to humble me, to help me, to lead me through my life and be a strong person for those around me. I need to move on from my past. I have grown and learned so much in last two years, nearly comparable to when i was learning to walk and talk. My whole aspect on life has changed. This is in part by being out of adolescence, but also because of my upbringing. I was not raised to be a carefree person, i understand the importance and necessity of responsibility and hard work. I don't get anything i don't earn. This last 2 years has been like a 180 degree turn around for me. i have found my religion. I believe in it strongly. I am proud of it, and not ashamed as i have felt so much before now. this is something huge for me. I was convinced that i was of no value to anyone, and most of all valueless to God. Oh how i was mistaken. The misleadings of the adversary are so strong. It's so easy to just accept the cruel and dishonest whisperings of the adversary. But in reality, even when it doesn't seem like it, it is just as easy to accept and listen to the spirit of God if we are willing to listen, and are in a position to listen. I haven't previously made a huge effort to be in a position where i can clearly hear what the spirit has to say to me. I was to busy listening to the wrong voice telling me that i wasn't even qualified to hear the right voice. i was wrong, rather mislead. Maturing in my religion, and my mental mindset this is no longer the case. Once i accepted that all those lies were just that, lies, i no longer fell prey to the viscous feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness. No longer do i feel that God doesn't want me or has no use for me. That thought is just ridiculous and now has no place in my thinking or being. God has so much in store for me if i will prepare for it. I truly want to be a tool in his hands. while erring often, i still try, i still have hope and faith.
For the first time in my life i have made the decision to talk to my father about how i have felt about him my entire life. I am a little scared of it because it has been quite a soft spot my entire life. the last few months i have become much closer to him than ever before. We are forming a relationship that i thought would never exist between us. I owe it to him to forgive him. He was learning, just like me. I am just barely starting to learn myself. He couldn't understand my position nor I his. life if a journey of learning. As i have learned, so has he. I am grateful for everything he has done for me over my entire life. He has been so generous with me in so many ways, and i have been to hardened over the years to see how much. As a parent i have seen him make so much improvement, and become a father who tries his hardest to teach his children with his love for them which runs deep. He's an amazing father, while we all had some learning and growing over the years, i know he loves me like i am one of his own flesh and blood. For the first time ever, i feel like i am his flesh and blood, and in a way i am. I love him. I do have a father, i always have. I just couldn't see it past my pain, anger, and confusion.
In elders class this last sunday a few things were brought up that really stuck out to me. One of the biggest ones was about love and forgiveness of those around us. To be able to love someone so much that what they have done has no bearing on your feelings for them. We all make mistakes, that's just how it is. Knowing this i still have made it my prerogative to judge people right off. Well come to find out i have screwed up too and i have no right to be doing what i've been doing to people. I hate it when i get classified, mistreated, judged and yet that's the exact thing that i have been doing to those around me. Those who i love so much and care for, i alienate. I have in part developed this because of my past. But it's time to correct this, and correct my way of being with people. It will be hard, and uncomfortable at times, but i can do anything i want and this is something that i want. I only pray that people can forgive me better i have them...
God loves me, God loves you. See it in all things, and love him with all your being.
Sincerely,
Craig
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