Indifferent

Have you ever known things are ok even when they are not?
Have you ever had a near unbearable situation not bother you?

I feel so very hard pressed right now. I feel like the only thing i have going for me is the fact that im still breathing. While at the same time i know i have so much more than so many people in the world today and i need to be grateful for all of that. The feeling that comes from not being able to accomplish a lot has been beating me down lately. My physical, meaningless really, possessions are becoming slim as of late. Making a lot of my responsibilities much harder to accomplish. With the help of my family i have been able to accomplish them. I have felt a closer bond forming with my father and brothers who have helped me more than they know.

I have always felt an alien connection with my father. Someone who hasn't had a step father can't understand this. But imagine for a second not having your father. What it would be like to just have a mother. I am not discrediting my father in anyway, don't misunderstand me. It wasn't my father it was me. Because of being naive as a child and the events that took place, i felt he was always just a police officer to keep me in line, and that's it. I understood that I didn't really have a fatherly connection. I have always been a "mommas" boy. Being raised as an only child for nearly 9 years, i established that connection with my mother very strongly. But i didn't really grow into that with my father. Several things happened in my new family. I didn't understand the emotions i felt, i didn't understand the situation i was in, i didn't understand what my mother was doing, I didn't understand my family, i didn't understand myself, i was only a child. After all that happened i didn't want him to be my father. He never would be and no one could force me to love him. I loved my mother and in turn would do whatever it took to be with her even if it mean listening to him and doing what he asked me too. But i didn't like it. As the years rolled on i grew more tolerant of him, more callous to my feelings towards him. I didn't like when he was home, i didn't like spending time with him, i just didn't like my situation.

I Think i need to step back a little and explain something that i have never been able to let go of fully. When i first joined the family things were ok. Some time went by and eventually i started catching the blame for things i didn't do. It started happening so frequently, i had to start lying and saying that i did do what i was accused of to avoid the greater punishment that i was going to receive anyway. Going so far as to give reason for my wrong doing. This developed a bitterness within me. In writing this i have realized that this may account for some unforgiving traits of my personality. I didn't like my family, in fact i hated it. i wanted nothing of it, and i didn't like them at all. I just couldn't understand why everyone said that i did all these things time and time again. My father wouldn't believe me when i said i didn't do it. Why didn't he believe me? what did i do to merit his disbelief? These are the questions that i asked myself as a child to which i had no answer. the only answer i ever found was anger, and hatred. My mother always sided with the accusers, she wouldn't back me up most the time, and if she did she came under fire as well. After that she started realizing what i was going through and backed me up from then on. Another reason we are so close. I have had a very contrast upbringing, when compared to most of my social groups. I come from a very mixed and colorful background. I am very different than most people. So much so somtimes i can't stand myself. But with all that i have been through, and learned how can i not be?

God has put me through all of my trials to teach me, to mold me, to humble me, to help me, to lead me through my life and be a strong person for those around me. I need to move on from my past. I have grown and learned so much in last two years, nearly comparable to when i was learning to walk and talk. My whole aspect on life has changed. This is in part by being out of adolescence, but also because of my upbringing. I was not raised to be a carefree person, i understand the importance and necessity of responsibility and hard work. I don't get anything i don't earn. This last 2 years has been like a 180 degree turn around for me. i have found my religion. I believe in it strongly. I am proud of it, and not ashamed as i have felt so much before now. this is something huge for me. I was convinced that i was of no value to anyone, and most of all valueless to God. Oh how i was mistaken. The misleadings of the adversary are so strong. It's so easy to just accept the cruel and dishonest whisperings of the adversary. But in reality, even when it doesn't seem like it, it is just as easy to accept and listen to the spirit of God if we are willing to listen, and are in a position to listen. I haven't previously made a huge effort to be in a position where i can clearly hear what the spirit has to say to me. I was to busy listening to the wrong voice telling me that i wasn't even qualified to hear the right voice. i was wrong, rather mislead. Maturing in my religion, and my mental mindset this is no longer the case. Once i accepted that all those lies were just that, lies, i no longer fell prey to the viscous feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness. No longer do i feel that God doesn't want me or has no use for me. That thought is just ridiculous and now has no place in my thinking or being. God has so much in store for me if i will prepare for it. I truly want to be a tool in his hands. while erring often, i still try, i still have hope and faith.

For the first time in my life i have made the decision to talk to my father about how i have felt about him my entire life. I am a little scared of it because it has been quite a soft spot my entire life. the last few months i have become much closer to him than ever before. We are forming a relationship that i thought would never exist between us. I owe it to him to forgive him. He was learning, just like me. I am just barely starting to learn myself. He couldn't understand my position nor I his. life if a journey of learning. As i have learned, so has he. I am grateful for everything he has done for me over my entire life. He has been so generous with me in so many ways, and i have been to hardened over the years to see how much. As a parent i have seen him make so much improvement, and become a father who tries his hardest to teach his children with his love for them which runs deep. He's an amazing father, while we all had some learning and growing over the years, i know he loves me like i am one of his own flesh and blood. For the first time ever, i feel like i am his flesh and blood, and in a way i am. I love him. I do have a father, i always have. I just couldn't see it past my pain, anger, and confusion.

In elders class this last sunday a few things were brought up that really stuck out to me. One of the biggest ones was about love and forgiveness of those around us. To be able to love someone so much that what they have done has no bearing on your feelings for them. We all make mistakes, that's just how it is. Knowing this i still have made it my prerogative to judge people right off. Well come to find out i have screwed up too and i have no right to be doing what i've been doing to people. I hate it when i get classified, mistreated, judged and yet that's the exact thing that i have been doing to those around me. Those who i love so much and care for, i alienate. I have in part developed this because of my past. But it's time to correct this, and correct my way of being with people. It will be hard, and uncomfortable at times, but i can do anything i want and this is something that i want. I only pray that people can forgive me better i have them...

God loves me, God loves you. See it in all things, and love him with all your being.

Sincerely,

Craig